All Things Considered… Wait, Wait! Don’t Tell Me.

It feels weird to be back online to write this. I have spent the last 10-ish months keeping my life offline, intentionally, as I started 2015 feeling overexposed, and that everyone except “Me” had a piece of me. I felt like I had almost zero control over my life and I was determined to take this year and re-introduce myself to who I am as a person.

I am happy to say I have found this endeavour *both* fulfilling and successful. It has been difficult at times getting comfortable in my own skin, something that has both figuratively and literally changed so much in the last year. I have found that I have opinions on things, likes and dislikes and that there is a whole big world out there that I knew and know, almost nothing about.

As the end of the year comes charging at me like a freight train, I’m honestly a little sad to see 2015 go. That may sound odd as I assume most people would think that this would have been one of, if not the, worst year of my life. But…it wasn’t. At all. 2015 will probably go down as the most influential year of my life. I was married, I got divorced. I went from having every second of my life being “on” and “public property” to being private and by my own decisions. I paid all of my bills, rent was never later, I never bounced a single check, made new friends and ran 7.5 miles in under an hour. I had, and was part of, achievements; both solely my own and those done in a group. Here, in short, is a small recap of the highlights of 2015:

I have learned that you can love and be loved in many different ways, and that there are many different variations of Love. That is ok. At the end of the day it is all about finding someone who’s Love for You matches the Love that You need and vice versa. There is no shame in acknowledging a difference in that perception, and the best thing for everyone is the allowance to be complete in a way you cannot provide nor they can recieve.

I was a featured speaker at Lahey Clinic about medical weightloss a total of 7 times. I am there every six or so weeks, speaking to groups ranging from 20-35 people on the last Behavioral Skills class giving a real life account of what the process is.

I crushed work this year. It has tired me in ways that I didn’t know was even physically, mentally or emotionally possible. I have had more meltdowns behind closed doors that I can count on both hands most likely. But at the end of the day, I have a wonderful staff that I would ‘take it to the mats for’ any day of the week. I coordinated a massive expansion/relocation from one building to another for three departments, and I didn’t miss a single detail. We also bought another company and I am working with their staff in Maine to build on effeciencies, savings and expansion. It’s stressful but awesome and I love it.

I can drive in and out of Boston. And I have discovered an entire whole other area of the city that I actually enjoy and it makes me want to go there and hang for a while.

I officially only shop at secondhand stores. Preferably the Goodwill in Seabrook, NH. For $10, you get 10% off every purchase and in a place where nothing really costs more than $15, I make out like a bandit. Whole wardrobes for $60 of less (an extra 10% off on Wednesdays… and no one will ever likely be wearing the same thing as you!).

Coffee and cafe’s… I ❤ them. A good quality Americano and a book is all I need. And don’t hate on Starbucks; they may be pricey but Dunks isn’t cheap anymore and you can actually get decent service and a good cup of coffee at Starbucks.

I haven’t eaten at a chain restaurant in a year. Yup, that’s right. Not a single visit to a 99, Outback, Applebee’s, Chili’s, On The Border, Margheritas, or whatever. I have never once missed the over-priced, shitty quality food. Instead, it’s independent businesses only. My favorite is The Ginger Exchange located near Symphony Hall in the city… one word: Bibimbap. And their sushi is so great. The atmosphere is enjoyable. It’s clean, colorful but not over the top. Next is Mr. India (great Indian food 10 min down the street), Pho Paris and rounding out the top four is Lexie’s. The food at these places will really change your life… so, so delicious.

I have completely embraced cooking and baking. Some highlights include that I make the best roasted duck breast this side of the Mississippi, killer lamb, homemade pizza, quiona stuffed peppers, macaroons (the fancy french pastry- not the coconut mounds), cookies, cupcakes, stellar chocolate cream pie, etc. All of this and I am still maintaining an extremely healthy weight and use a belt on my size 4 jeans. Cooking and baking has become such a wonderful outlet of stress for me… I bring all the desserts in to work and give away (never was a high fan of sweets anyway) and the cooking lasts as meals for days.

I turned 30. It was classy, and fun, and beautiful, and perfect and filled with the BEST FOOD I HAVE EVER EATEN IN MY LIFE.

I have actually had fun! I have had vacations in Portland, camping in Bar Harbor/Acadia, become a member of the MFA (Museum of Fine Arts), been to two other museums, been inside the only Frank Lloyd Wright house in the remotely local area that’s open to the public, seen three quartet performances, been to an amazing piano concert (and I mean *mind blowing*), went to the Boston Opera House and saw The Nutcracker, perused art galleries, went to Tanglewood to a Piano Guys concert, and so much more.

The best part? I did all of this with one truly amazing man by my side.

Because, well… I am in love.

The only way I can describe him is as “Salt”; a turn of phrase I oft remind him of. For those unaware, Salt (or NaCl2), is something you need to live, to survive. In cooking, it is the most prized of all additions and spices [Fun fact: in one episode of Chopped on Food Network, a Champion spent $32k of his $50k on Salt because it’s just that important] Everything is better with Salt. It’s enhances all of the flavors, or in life: experiences, that you create and enjoy. It’s molecular structure is actually a solid square. On the outside, something that could be percieved as…mundane? Flat? Average? I can tell you, you’d be wholly incorrect in that assessment… that faultless square, those sharp edges with perfect levelism, is soundly sturdy. It is supportive. It is exactly what I have always wanted, and never really aknowledged that I needed.

But I do, and I am so thankful to have it in my life.

He is a good man. Godly, Christian. We go to church together. He is smart, witty, dry, and challenging. He drives me crazy. He holds my hand all the time. When we walk together, without fail, he reaches his left hand out behind him, searching for mine. It is the best, most perfect silent reminder that I am loved and that I am wanted.

He respects me. Pushes me. He understands me. The understanding is accomplished because he has taken the time to get to know me. Knowing me has happened because he has taken the time to understand me. I have learned that Knowing and Understanding are two qualities that are not always synonomous with each other, but should be.

He let’s me fall apart in his arms and he puts the pieces back together. He encourages me to find things that inspire or empower me and doesn’t hesitate to take the time to explain something to me that I don’t understand. He is choosy and specific; a quality that definitely makes a girl feel special. He loves my dimples, makes me laugh until I cry, and gives me space to still figure out Me.

We don’t live together, although we have started the conversation about being open to having his “stuff” have a more stronger presence here. He respects me. He respects this year. He respects US and doesn’t feel the need to rush anything (I may secretly love that the most). I operate at 100 mph… he reminds me that when you rush, you can miss the special moments in Life. Like when the other day he asked if we could co-own a KitchenAid mixer, or where the studs are placed in the wall to see if they could support his plethora of books. Those were moments I have never really experienced in Life before. They are simple. Sweet. Honest and genuine.

I am happy. I am in love.

2016 holds nothing for certain; but I’d like to think we are going on at least one trip. One awesome and long vacation. Preferably internationaly, depending on what can be drummed up online. Japan, China, Norway, Sweden, Iceland, Prauge, Turkey, Thailand, Italy, Rome, France and the Azores are all on the table if you ask me. But we are simple people, and Quebec City holds charm, history, romance and is a hell of a lot cheaper than the other options. We don’t require much. A tent, some sleeping bags and plastic champagne flutes do us just as well.

…Even if it the international part doesn’t actually come to fruition, and we only go to spend time with my family in Western MA, we would enjoy every moment. Cell phone free, and not a single picture on social media. It’s amazing how much you realize you are missing from your own life once you step away from behind Facebook. Twitter or Instagram. In doing so, I have dropped from using 10G of data a month to less than .5G. That’s what happens when you actively choose to participate in your own life vs. prove it to other people from behind a cellphone screen.

I never thought in a million years I would be where I am now, no matter which way you look at it. But all things considered, I’d do it a thousand times over again to land where I am now. Healthy, happy, feeling sane… confident, silly, and just…grateful. I look at him often and think to myself “I am just so, truly, blessed”.

So, coming up on our first Christmas and a New Year together, to You, my “most handsome guy”, my Love, my rock, my Salt… thank you. I am truly excited to see where this new year takes us.

To those of you that are reading this, Happy Holiday’s to you and your’s and I wish you a 2016 full of all the experiences that 2015 has given me.

 

Iterations on what once was….

Well, it’s been quite a while since I’ve updated this… and there are a lot of updates.

John and I got a divorce. In the words of Forest Gump: “That’s all I have to say about that”.

From a health and weight perspective, I’m doing so much better mentally, physically and emotionally than from my previous post. At one point my weight dropped down to 137 lbs. My size 4 jeans were baggy, hair falling out again, lethargic, pale, etc. I’ve come to realize that when everything in my life [relationship] was so out of control, I found my weight o be the one thing I could exercise complete power over. I would go days without eating and manically weigh myself every morning, if not multiple times in a day just to see the numbers drop. It got to a point that there was not only a work intervention with HR, but a major outpouring and borderline intervention from my friends. People were really noticing that something wasn’t right. I would get to work and there would be granola bars on my desk from one friend. HR would send down chocolate Ensure drinks and have someone report back that I was in fact drinking it. A slice of pizza would be on my desk when someone came back from lunch, and at the very end, I was getting deliveries of sandwiches and pie at home because everyone knew I would just go home and go to bed instead of eat. I have some truly wonderful friends and coworkers.

 In the last two months or so, I’ve gained 9 (healthy) lbs. My clothes fit better, the hair loss has slowed and I have color and energy. I started going to the gym because I do want to continue to lose weight, but more so to tone. I also bought a bathing suit for the first time in 19 years. I love it! Granted, I hate how my thighs look…but when you lose -120lbs, things don’t quite stay in the same place as they once were.

I feel like Hannibal Lector sometimes, wearing a skin suit. The loose skin just hangs on me. I lay in bed and I’ll look down and the excess skin especially around my hips makes me look like I’ve somehow just kind of…melted. Everyone asks if and when I will start dating again, but I have to say that there is a lot of fear behind that idea. How can you meet someone and feel pretty or sexy when you have what must be 10-12 lbs of skin that just hangs off of you? Stretch marks that have no fat behind them anymore to keep them smooth, so they just kind of wrinkle over themselves? And has anyone seen my bellybutton? Because it’s currently a bit lost in the midriff section of hanging skin. And let’s not even discuss what has happened to my chest… It’s funny, my mom warned me that as soon as people find out I’m single, they will come out of the woodwork and hit on me. I reassured her that there was no way that would happen as I don’t know a lot of people and the ones I do know are better than that. Boy oh boy, was I wrong. I’ve received more stupid emails and messages from people hitting on me in the last few weeks than I care to admit- one person being so bold as to request naked photos. It is truly off-putting. People from literally across the country have reached out. Again, I go back to being thankful for my small group of guy friends that have done nothing but be my biggest supports and cheerleaders. They all tell me to keep my head up and don’t be offended by guys that are pigs- that I don’t need that or deserve to be treated like that. They remind me that there are truly gentlemen in this world that can respect a girl’s company without wanting to get in her pants. Dating is going to be so, so weird….

I’ve started eating regularly and I think the biggest difference I have noticed is that I don’t immediately feel like I’m going to die or am going to be sick. Again, I think it was a control thing for me. Granted, I still fill up quickly (half a sandwich is really all I can comfortably do right now) but it’s been really nice to rediscover food and also branch out. Some of my new favorite foods are roast beef with boursin cheese, beets and avocado mixed together with a vinaigrette, tacos made with beef cooked in paprika and cumin, topped with a cabbage/cilantro slaw marinated with vinegar and oil, and homemade pizza.

At the beginning of the year I had wanted to try to “cook my way around the world”. With things begin so hectic, it didn’t happen. But I finally got it underway this past weekend. I started with China and made chicken lo mein and scallion pancakes. They were both absolutely atrocious. So, so salty. I ended up throwing all of it away. I will only check countries off the list if I cook a successful meal, so China is still to be tackled. India was more than successfully checked off the list with Chicken Tikka Masala. It was probably one of the best meals I have ever had and I have leftovers for days which makes me even more thrilled. The chicken was so tender and juicy, the flavor profiles robust and full developed; truly a great meal.

I’ve been on a real backing/cooking kick the last week or so. I think with my reintroduction to food and the joy it brings to see people enjoy something you make has kind of inspired me to keep it up. I drowned my staff in baked goods last week. I think by the time it was over I had made two dozen corn muffins, raspberry bars, a double batch of coffee cake, 3 dozen oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and 7 dozen peanut butter blossom cookies. I nibbled here and there, but sweets definitely don’t do it for me anymore.

At work this morning the troops rolled in and already asked when I’m baking something. I told them maybe Wednesday. I also made a great no bake sour cream pineapple pie this weekend. Thank god it’s all fat free/sugar free since I’m pretty much just eating it myself.

I’m excited for Wednesday as I’m mashing up a recipe I found with my own creativity. I’m marinating pork chops in Greek yogurt , breading them and baking them then topping that with an avocado/black bean/corn/tomato salsa and a chipotle lime sauce. Green beans on the side. I’m looking forward to it. It’s definitely a bit difficult to make good food for one. I end up with a lot of extras, so I guess that’s another thing I’m learning.

I have been trying to branch out of my comfort zone recently too. I forced myself to drive into Boston for the first time ever a few weeks ago. And I spent a day in Portland too. I’ve read probably nine books and now take regular walks at the local state parks. I’m also trying to plan some vacations and something epic for my 30^th birthday that’s coming around in August. One of my friends is graduating from Fire Academy in June, so there’s that to look forward to as well.

All in all, things are going well. I’m happy, I feel far more healthy and for the first time in a while, not…crazy. Work is definitely sucking the life out of me, but all of my large projects should be tied up by the end of Q2 so hopefully that will allow me to have some breathing room.

I have a feeling that this blog will naturally shift from going through the surgery process and weight loss to me finding and redefining who I am on my own and relearning to cook. I’ll post photos of my efforts to cook around the world and keep the few of you that read this updated on how I’m navigating my new life.

Warped…Brutal

Weighed in this morning at 151 which means down -107.3! yess!!!!!!!

There has been a lot going on in the last few weeks, some good and well, some less than great.

Let’s go over the good stuff first:

As of this morning, I stepped on the scale and weighed in at 151.0 lbs. That’s a total weight loss of -107.3 lbs in 9 months.

I was invited to speak at Lahey again two weeks ago. This time I was the speaker at John’s final Behavioral Skills class. There were about 15 people there and it was hosted by the same teacher that I had. I was given pretty much the entire class to speak and answer questions. It was very enjoyable to sit there and engage in what felt like meaningful conversation with people on a topic I could relate to. I brought in a few “before” photos and when I passed them around I had to chuckle as I heard small gasps and rumblings of “that doesn’t even look like her”. It was a proud moment for me.

John has been booked for his surgery! He goes on the table February 18th. The countdown is on to the liquid diet which I agreed to join him in doing. He says he is really excited (and a bit nervous). I can totally relate to that feeling…!

Last Saturday we had our company’s post-holiday Holiday Party. Now, if you remember my previous posts and motivations, last year was my breaking point. I was ashamed when I stood up to meet our COO’s girlfriend and took the tablecloth with me because I was so fat. This year it was all different…. I ordered the most beautiful dress from Rent The Runway!! I have never felt more stunning in my entire life [sadly] even including my wedding day. I was the best dressed person there as I rocked a literal $1000 dress of deep navy lace and nude tulle. I did my own makeup and hair and everything just came together. The party was hosted at the Peabody Essex Museum- we rented out the whole thing and dined on amazing food, delicious drinks, soups, salads, desserts and enjoyed each others company to a great string quartet. John was dressed to the nine’s and looked so dapper. Perfect princess night!

My perfect dress for my ultimate comeback at the Holiday Party!

So…the less than fun stuff. I have seriously come to learn in the last few weeks that it wasn’t just about losing weight. All the feelings I ever felt, the anger, disappointment, frustrations, etc that I thought was just related to being overweight….aren’t. Talk about a wake up call. I think I thought that if I could just lose the weight, all of my “problems” would be taken care of. But in reality, what happened is that the easiest scapegoat I had is, for the most part, gone but all of the issues still remain. I still “feel” fat. I still “feel” ugly even though I can rationally comprehend that I look *stunning* or thin. My body image hasn’t really changed and that was one of the things that I spoke about at Lahey the other week. That I have spent almost 30 years being the “fat girl” so it’s hard to envision myself as anything else. I haven’t been a consistent low weight since surgery, so I don’t have a baseline standard weight established for myself yet.

I’ve had quite a few breakdowns lately- lots of tears…so much crying…so many feelings. I have somewhat decided to seek out a therapist to confirm what I already believe to be the issue (get ready for full on honesty)- I think I have borderline personality disorder. It sounds way more intense than it is. It’s basically a lack of coping skills that manifests itself in mood swings, over-attachment to people (followed by desperate irrational fears of being left alone), being a complete control freak, a general lack of empathy for others (very true), a total inability to see a grey area if people decline to spend time with me (meaning that if someone says “no” to spending time with me that means that I must have done something wrong, I’m not “cool” and I must be fat, ugly, worthless, etc). This has had a major impact on John and I which has added to the stress because I’m feeling so desperate to be social and spend time with friends that I am neglecting my own marriage and making him feel like a worthwhile part of my life (Sorry John- seriously).

I find I am frustrated by myself all the time lately. It’s like I know this one thing over here to be reality and solid, but I can’t believe it, don’t see it (even though it’s in front of me) and therefore have to keep pushing myself for more. I have lost 107 goddamn pounds in 9 (!!!) freaking months but I’m still not satisfied. I tell myself -20-30 more, but then I realize that doing so will put me at 131-121 lbs and that isn’t the most healthiest thing ever. I feel like I haven’t really learned what I standard weight is… I truly believe is that a large part of my issue is my excess skin. It hangs on me and drives me absolutely insane. I grab it all the time and pull it back from my ribs (which now stick out on the regular by the by) and imagine myself with this perfect hourglass figure that won’t exist without some type of skin removal surgery. My boobs are deflated (although still rocking a 36 C- yes!) but I just feel less sexier than I anticipated.

I wanted to be able to wear a bikini. And believe me, I hate the beach. I LOATHE the beach. But I wanted to wear a bikini. I bought one in the spring of 2010 and I was absolutely pumped when it came in the mail at work. I ran to the restroom and put it on. Did it fit? Yup? Was the bikini itself beautiful? Oh- double yes. Did it look good on me? Nope. And that was the first time in 15 years that I had put on a bathing suit. So put 5 more years (now) on that, and WAY MORE weight loss, and I don’t know what to do with myself.

I’m not quite sure what the point of this post is…. who knows. I guess it’s that there was a level of reality that I am being forced to see right now that I wasn’t ready for and I’m not quite sure how to navigate the path. As a super control freak, not feeling in control (or knowing that that level of control that I am trying so desperately to exercise to a point that it’s unhealthy) is [literally] driving me insane.

I’m at a point in losing weight that people are telling me to stop. That I shouldn’t lose more, I’m skinny and pushing myself more will make me look anorexic. But what happens when I’m done “doing this thing”? What do I focus on then? What is my next biggest accomplishment? I find myself feeling empty as this weight loss journey is starting to come to a close. I guess I could focus on toning…but what then?

I have also become deeply motivated to continue to tattoo myself. It was something I was always in to. Previously I had the middle of my back, shoulder and both feet. Recently I got the most beautiful tattoo ever with a quote and some cherry blossoms. The quote is something I love and felt immediately connected to when I read it over a year ago:
“She was desperate and she was choosy at the same time, and, in a way, beautiful. But she didn’t have quite enough going for her to become what she imagined herself to be”. Nailed it. I am going for my next tattoo February 6th. I am choosing to cover my mid-lower back (no not a tramp stamp, but thanks) and from one hip to the other. It is going to be paisley/mandala inspired and will cover all of my stretch marks on my hips that I’ve been carrying for the last 20 years. I have come to understand lately that I am trying to take something I now see as ugly (my body…go figure…you lose 107 lbs and still hate yourself) and try to make it into something beautiful (tattoos). I also want to re -pierce my nose. Sounds odd I know, but I had it for a few years and loved it but had to take it out because I dated a guy that hated facial piercings so I took it out. I feel like I’m at a point that I am trying to discover (or maybe re-discover?) who I am as a person. What do I want to look like? What is my clothing style?  What are my hobbies? What makes me feel motivated as an independent person?

I think that may be the hardest part of everything right now. I’m in full on discovery mode and both John and I are trying to mitigate those changes that are happening. I’m not the same person I was 4 years ago when we met, and I don’t want to be. But I do want the life I have and the love I have with him too. It’s taking a lot of patience with each other to work through it. And that, in earnest, is the truly unfun part of this. Weight loss has short and long term impacts on not just you, but those you love.

I have found the relationship I have with my sister to be permanently altered. She was always the thin one. She’s into running and doing her first half-math in March. She has worked an entire year with a personal trainer to lose -25 lbs, but she’s still “thick” (a new concept to her- ha) and I am way thinner. She refuses to acknowledge my weight and hard work and makes comments to my mom that I tool the easy way out. Jealousy is never a becoming quality and I think I expected that for someone that was naturally shallow about looks, she would be more excited for me now that I could join the “pretty crowd”.

I guess that’s it for now. I post this feeling hopeful, terrified, confused, confident and a thousand other feelings. I feel accomplished in all my hard work and like a bit of a loser for not being able to appreciate it more. They say “happiness is in the journey, not the destination”… I’m not sure that is true, but I’m willing to keep on  walking.

The Big 100

Well, I did it. I have officially lost 100.1 lbs in 8 months. I never thought I’d be able to say that in my life. I feel like a totally new person inside and out. I am so much more active at both work and home. Being the manager of the department, I have the autonomy to change the schedules up and people’s responsibilities. I have put myself more on the warehouse floor to pick orders the last 6 hours of the day (I’ve been working 12 hour shifts). Walking all over the warehouse floor during that time equates to about 5+ miles a day. I am so much faster on my feet and don’t sweat anymore like I used to.

So here are the stats:

From: 258.3 to 158.2
Jeans: 20/22 to 6
Shirts: XXL Maternity to S/M
Shoes: 11 to 9.5

I have cheekbones, collar bones, ribs, vertebrae and actual muscles. And yes, my midsection still looks like a melted candle… I don’t think there’s much I can do about that aside from the plastic surgery that I have mentioned in previous posts.

My goal is another -25lbs by May, but I’m not going to put nearly as much pressure on myself as I did with hitting -100 lbs by the end of the year. I am in no way unhappy with the way I look and if there is where I “bottom out” that’s ok with me. I still have a small roll but lord knows it’s smaller than it was before.

Interesting enough, John has now enrolled in the program and should be on the table for the same surgery in February/March. I’m so proud of him taking this step in his life to become more healthy. I will say it’s odd for me to be on the other side of it and watch someone else go through it (funny story- he has the same thoughts about the psych classes that I did…waste of time). There is one guy in his class that said something that really hit home to me. He said “where you’re this big you feel like everyone sees you, because you’re so fat you cant be missed…but actually I feel totally invisible”. YUP. Boy can I relate to that. But now, I have gained so much confidence that I feel like I’m top of the world, and I hope that guy feels that way soon.

I guess that’s it for now. It’s Christmas Eve, so when I get out of work, John and I are hitting the road to see my family. Merry Christmas Everyone!

6, 90, 8

Me at -85lbs. Looking sharp!

Me the day of surgery

Well, it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted any updates on here and there’s lots to go over.

First things first, I’m 6 months post-op. At one of my first check ups with the doctor, he told me that it would take up to this long for the swelling of my stomach to go down. I thought that was a bit excessive, but in fact he was right. Eating wise I have never felt better than I have these last few weeks. I’m finding I can handle more “normal” foods without having pain, discomfort or waves of nausea. It has definitely helped me mentally feel more “normal” than I did previously which is wonderful. Example: John and I made the decision to relocate closer to work. He has a job that has him travel more and he has a larger territory so he’s on the road all the time. Where we lived previously gave me a 40 minute commute to and from work. Since it doesn’t matter where he lives because of travel, I found us a stunning apartment 4 minutes away from where I work. When we moved in, we had a massive outpouring from our friends. As a thank you, we ordered pizza and beers. I was able to sit down and eat a slice of pizza (no crust) like a normal person (see, there was a point to this story). It was very enjoyable to sit down and take bites instead of picking off the pepperoni or cutting things in to small, bite sized pieces.

On top of being 6 months out, I also officially hit the -90 lb mark this morning. Talk about mind blowing! From 258.3 to 168.2! My goal is to hit -100 lbs by the end of the year. I took a photo October 12th when I hit -85, and just about a month later I’ve lost another 5. If I can keep this pace up, I think I just may make it! I would adore being able to ring in the new year saying I lost 100 lbs in less than 12 months. I can’t believe how much my body has changed. John said the other night “Oh my god, I can see your ribs and top three vertebrae in your neck!” (I’ve also become deeply obsessed with my collar bones because I had never seen them before). Alas, skin-wise I do still look like a melted candle and I firmly believe that down the road, possibly after children, I will opt for some type of plastic surgery and get skin removal and some type of breast lift. Things just aren’t as perky when you lose a lot of weight if you know what I mean…!

My other big achievement is that I am now in single digit jeans. I can now dawn a size 8, down from a 20/22. I’m literally over half my size. I’m wearing medium and some small shirts and I’m receiving a lot of positive feedback. I try to shop specifically at second hand stores because I’m going through sizes quickly still and don’t want to spend the money on new items if I’m not going to get a lot of wear out of them. I’m also finding that some items I’ve purchased I’ve missed the window on wearing. That disappoints me a little and I may just opt to take them in and try to re-wear them. No sense in donating them again if I can get away with 20 minutes of sewing.

Otherwise things are going well. I have found the perfect holiday party dress for our company get together in January. I’m ordering a beautiful navy/nude lace mini dress from rent the runway. I told the owner of our company the other day that I’m going all out this year because if you remember and did your reading on this blog, it was an issue that happened at last year’s holiday party that finally made me decide that I needed to make a permanent lifestyle change.  I’m getting my makeup done, hair blown out and I’m renting a designer dress. Our owner has probably been my most vocal champion of my weight loss. Every time he seems me he goes “gosh, I just cant believe how amazing you look! Don’t order your dress yet- at the rate you’re going it’ll be two sizes too small when it’s time to wear it”. Makes me feel great.

Work is crazy and I’ve been pulling a lot of extra hours. Poor John totaled his car last week so we will be on the hunt for a new car soon. we are almost all settled into our new apartment and everything is returning back to normal.

Hope all is well in your world, wherever you are!

Speaking At Lahey, Updates and More…!

Wanted to give a quick update for those of you that read this. Things are going really well overall. This morning I stepped on the scale and have officially nailed the 70lb mark! Woohoo!! I am now wearing size 10 jeans (down from a 20) and my shirts are mostly mediums and some smalls. I feel really, really good! I hit about a two week plateau but as I’ve mentioned before, I’ll stall for a while then all of a sudden there goes 3-5lbs. I’m staying positive when I hit these moments and know that my body is just taking time to focus on other things other than weightloss and that it will turn itself around.

One thing that started a few weeks ago was hairloss. Talk about being freaked out…. My hair is literally coming out in clumps. I now get mildly anxious before going in to the shower because I know that as I wash my hair it’s just going to come out. Same with brushing- my comb gets filled. My hair is noticeably thinner, and for someone that is obsessive with their hair (right before my wedding it was so long and thick that it was getting caught in the car door. I chopped it off on my honeymoon and donated 26 inches!) that to go through this is a bit upsetting. I have done my research though and it’s pretty common and normal. My hair follicles are just cycling through a growth period and it will come back in a few months. Looks like I will be needing to buy hairspray to tame all the new growth/fly-aways that will be headed my way. It’s worth it though. I’d rather be half my size with thinner hair than what I was before with the best hair in the world. Life is a tradeoff, huh?

I had an amazing opportunity to go back to Lahey Clinic Monday and speak at the info session for people considering surgical weightloss. The best part? The two girls that I became so close with during the skills classes and have kept in touch with almost daily came out to be a support system! How lucky am I to have such great friends! We all agreed it was so interesting to sit through the session now being on the other side of the surgical table. We heard the same questions get asked that others asked in our info class, and some new ones that were just mind blowing… You get an immediate feel for who is really serious about making a life change and those that are sick of being overweight but want to continue to live the life they do and eat what they want. I spoke for about 15 minutes. As I was introduced, the nurse put up what I have dubbed the “before and in progress” photos. I have seen them on my phone and on Facebook, but WOW! To see them on the big screen even had me pause for a moment. I don’t look like me at all anymore (and that’s not a bad thing at all). Yowzers! I brought with me a dress that I wore to a friend’s wedding a few months before surgery- size 22. I held that up, discussed my experience, offered some words of advice and answered questions. When I was walking up to the stage area, the doctor that was speaking happened to be the head of the surgical unit. He shook my hand and thanked me for coming. Told me I looked great and asked when I had my surgery. I said “April 23″. He said “That’s wonderful- of what year? 2013?” I smiled and said “no- 2014. So about 3 ½ months ago”. He gave me a huge smile and a pat on the back and he said “wow- that’s just wonderful. Good for you”. I think I floated to the stage with the biggest smile on my face. If the head of surgery at Lahey is proud of me, I think I’m doing something right!

Not much else to report. I’m still having a hard time with chicken, but everything else is fine. Steamed veggies and fruit taste like heaven. Dinner the other night was ¼ c steamed cauliflower, a peach and a few pieces of tender pork loin. I came home the other day and went straight for some grapes. If you knew me before, you would know that that is SO not like me. But they are delicious. It’s like you are trying everything for the first time again and it’s all so wonderful.

I found that I have gained so much confidence as time progresses. I am getting more and more involved with projects and other things. With the support of my boss, I have enrolled back in school to get my APICS certification in Supply Chain Management. Before surgery, I would never have done this because if I didn’t get a good grade I would feel like it was another thing that I failed at. Well, I’m three weeks in and I have a *perfect score*! Talk about another great feeling! Youth Group is starting up in September and I already know that I will go in more confidently then I did last year because instead of being the stranger/fat girl I know most of the kids and I don’t have to worry about not being able to fit in a chair or if I’m able to do activities with them. John and I also joined the Christian Formation Steering Committee at our church so we could offer better feedback about how youth group is structured. Previously, that would be another thing I never would have done. And to top it off, we did the trip to Honduras (oh yeah, asked to be a leader again for next year- YES!!!), became a volunteer employee of the school so I’m now translating all of the kids progress reports to send to their sponsors and I’m also part of the outreach committee so I represent the school to our parish and help keep it on the forefront of people’s minds. Basically, I’m a busy kid. And I also have a 50 hour work week where we are completely redesigning the warehouse.

I would also like to mention that John has done a tremendous job of adopting great eating habits. He has lost almost 20lbs! I’m so proud of him and it gives me great support and not feeling like a leper when I only eat a little bit. Keep up the great work hun!

That’s it for now- hope all is well with everyone out there…

Bittersweet Victory

So I have returned from my week long service/mission trip to Tegucigalpa, Honduras. Words will never, ever describe how life changing it was. I feel in love with everything about the school, El Hogar Amor de Esparanza (even the cold showers, non-flushable toilets and bug infestations).

The school is an oasis of love, hope and kept promises in a sea of madness, poverty and helplessness. The Elementary school houses 100 children ranging from ages 5-15. They recently opened it up to girls as well. The stories are heart breaking; girls were raped or pimped out by their mothers for money, most don’t have fathers, kids thrown on to the street to beg and pick through trash to help their guardians pay rent. Some didn’t have guardians at all and were living in cardboard boxes, starving.

I fell in love with two brothers and seriously contemplated adopting them. However, they are not eligible for adoption for multiple reasons. The first, technically, their parent/guardian still has “control” over them even though they have been given to the school. At any point a mother can come in a say “I’m not making enough money begging on the street, I want my kid back so they can beg with me” and the school has to legally hand them over. Secondly, the school is working extremely hard to teach these kids life skills so they can go out into the world and be an active member of society. By going through elementary, middle and high school, they can immediately go into college for free. Once they graduate from college the kids are immediately in the middle class- a straight ticket out of poverty. By trying to adopt the kids, we are undoing the work the school is trying to do.

The children of this school need everything yet ask for nothing (other than for you to draw and play soccer with them). The meet you every morning excited about what the day will bring. They care not about the language barrier and are quick to teach you some basic words (dibujar/draw, juego/to play). They have a magical way of filling your heart with love for them even though you never knew it was missing it.

If anyone read my previous post, you know that I was complaining that I was going to miss entering Onederland while on this trip. I was a few pounds away and know that I was going to be very active and not eating a lot had me convinced that I would hit the target. Looking back at how concerned I was over something so selfish blows my mind. I am concerned about seeing a number on a scale when I have just spent time surrounded by the most amazing children who literally had no food, water or parents.

I did contract a nasty case of travelers diarrhea and have a doctors appointment today at 12:30 to do a check up and make sure that that is all it is and nothing more serious. When I told them I had surgery in April I got an immediate appointment since they want to make sure that it’s not affecting my stomach area and I am hydrated.
Selfishly, on the upside, I did enter Onederland. I stepped on the scale this morning: 195.8. I have lost 62.5 lbs since the beginning of this journey. While I am pleased at the progress, it pales in comparison for how passionate I am now about helping the kids at this school. It’s funny how something so all consuming can change on a dime for something else.

I will keep working diligently to reduce my weight to a healthy level, but instead of doing it so I can be “pretty” or “sexy” I want to make sure to stay healthy so I can continue to do these service trips and see the kids. Hopefully, someday I will have my own too and be the best and healthiest version of myself so they never have to be without a mom like the children of El Hogar.

The scale this morning… welcome to Onederland

And away we go!

Typical Food in Honduras

Saturday, July 5th John and I (along with another adult and 10 kids) are off to Honduras to do a service/mission trip.
The trip, as I have mentioned previously, has been a nightmare from the get go. Terrible communication between the parents, kids and leaders, power struggles between the leaders, kids not wanting to do fundraising, my passport got denied and I had to go into Boston to have one get emergency issued and now there is a hurricane that will be right off the coast when we fly. Aside from all of these potentially stress-inducing things, the most anxiety I am having is coming from parting with my scale for a week. I know it sounds silly, but the first thing I do EVERY morning without fail is step on the scale so I can continue to 1) monitor weightloss and 2) understand what my body’s natural weight fluctuation is.

A whole week of the unknown. Ugh.

I’m also trying to come up with creative solutions around what to eat while I am there. We will be going to El Hogar, a children’s school where everything is very regimented there. Food is served family style and you cannot take anything you are not willing to eat. We have been told that the food is very “fiber rich”, meaning beans, rice and plantains. Meat is a bit hard to come by. I have been on the lookout for individual protein packets that I can put in my water bottle but to no avail. I have been told that it is safe to travel with a jug of protein powder into the country, but leave it behind because you don’t want to travel back to the states with a container of white powder (no kidding!). We cannot eat any uncooked fruits or vegetables while we are there because they have most likely been washed with contaminated water, and we can only bring two water bottles with us for the day to fill from the water buffalo. I have a feeling I’m going to get dehydrated and/or very sick this next week.

John and I went to the travel clinic and got a bunch of shots: measles, mumps, rubella, tetanus, hepatitis, chicken pox, pills for malaria and travelers diarrhea. Add that to my stash of Prilosec and other pills to help prevent gallstones and I am basically a travelling pharmacy. Tomorrow we need to do laundry, pack and run some errands to pick up last minute things.

I’m hoping (not quite yet HOPEFUL) that the experience down there will be so overwhelming that I won’t have time to fret about weight. However, I am 3.7 lbs away from being under the 200 lb mark that I know somewhere in the back of my head I will keep pushing myself to do more, be more active so when I do come home I have cleared the mark. *fingers crossed*

Not much more to add other than that I hope to everyone that reads this, you have a very safe and happy 4th of July.

2 month update

It dawned on my yesterday that it was the eight week mark since having surgery. I couldn’t believe that it’s only been that long. So much has changed that I keep thinking it’s been three-four months.

So let’s recap the updates:

Since my first weigh-in at Lahey, I have lost 52 lbs. I’m 6.5 lbs away from Onederland. Weightloss is broken out into pre-op and post op: Pre-op weightloss was 21 lbs and post op is 31lbs. So I’m averaging about .5lbs a day. Granted, I have had stalls and then wake up a week later and I’m 5 lbs lighter, but there’s the average. I am now in a medium shirt and size 14 pant down from XXL/1X and 18-20 pants. I also have to go bra shopping. I was always “endowed” and still am, but I’ve had to take the band in to the tightest set of clasps and it’s still loose. Everyone is noticing the changes. I’ve lost weight in my face, some in the belly, but most of it is from my mid section. I would always joke with people (because I had two prominent fat rolls) that they were my “food babies”. I named one Matthew and the other one Catherine (don’t ask why because I don’t know), and I would pet them lovingly and say “This one is going to be an astronaut and this one a doctor”. I guess it was my way of joking about the obvious. My mid section would “eat” my shirts and fold over itself when I was sitting down.

Eating is going much better than it was previously. Chicken still proves to be a sticky wicket, but fish, ground beef, some steamed veggies, cheese and other moist meats (meatballs, etc) are going down fine. Now, when I say “going down fine”, I must clarify that the portion size is relatively laughable. Last night John made burgers with American cheese. My portion was two pieces that could fit in the little circle of your palm and maybe 1/3rd of an inch think. They were smaller than sliders. But full of protein and absolutely yummy! I still get sick, yes, but it’s much more of a rarity than it was before. The other day like a dummy I had some cold chicken. I woofed it down and immediately regretted it. It stuck in my throat because it was dry and the frothing started followed by lots of burping. I’ve learned the signs of vomiting, so I just excused myself and took care of the issue. I’m still having protein drinks and have rediscovered my love of Powerade Zeros. They keep me nice and hydrated and don’t have that gross artificial flavor that some of the powdered drinks have.

My new found confidence has definitely translated in the workplace. I find that I [feel at least] that I am getting more respected than I did previously. I would read a lot about how people would “judge” overweight people in the office. That they would think that since they can’t even control their eating habits or weight that they were less likely to be respected because people thought they couldn’t control work tasks. Whether or not that’s how people made me feel here, I completely imposed those feelings on to myself. I have decided to continue to break out of my shell and thanks to a wonderful mentor, have enrolled in a program to become an APICS certified CSCP (Certified Supply Chain Professional). There are only 13,000 people over 78 countries that have this certification. I did the math out, and it averages to 3.3 people per state in the US. The test only has a 68% pass rate (it’s TOUGH) so I’m nervous to take these steps. Compounding the stress is that my company wants to sponsor me upfront. Usually this is something we would pay for and then submit the receipt after we pass to get reimbursed- if you fail, you pay. But no- they are so enthusiastic about it that the check has been cut. I’m taking this as a sign to continue to forge ahead with embracing what comes my way and rock it out.

In 10 days I am off to Honduras to do a volunteer/mission trip with my husband and some teens from our church. This trip has been an absolute nightmare from day one. The kids don’t want to fund raise so John and I did most of it ourselves. The ONE that they decided to to bombed and now instead of pulling together to raise the money needed, they all are just asking the parents to write checks. It goes against the whole principle of this trip. Also, I expedited my passport 4 weeks ago and I just found out the application was denied because the one I submitted for renewal was issued before I was 16 making it invalid to be reissued. So today I am leaving work for an extended lunch to drive into Boston and fix this mess. Ugh.

Overall everything else is going fine. John and I have committed to updating the outside of the house this summer; paint, landscape, window boxes, etc. And next year we are ripping off the back of the house and putting on an edition. I guess in some small way (work with me on this one, an analogy is about to happen), I see a lot of myself in the house we live in. It is at capacity, needs updating, a lot of love and with some short money and hard work it will be cute. It may never be beautiful, but hey, I’m never going to look like Giselle- but I’ll be cute!

I’m still very close with the two girls I met from my skills classes. Thank goodness for them. We talk multiple times a week in a group facebook message and some times I go back and reread sections and just giggle. I’m very blessed to have these great ladies in my life. One of them last night asked about what we are going to do with excess skin. It was a great question! My lower tummy is looking like a melted candle. I know I could probably go to the gym and tighten it up somewhat, but I’ve been 100+ lbs overweight since I was 12 and I’m almost 30. I’m pretty sure I can cut wash board abs as a loss. My intention is that in a few years John and I will start a family. That may mean one child, two or even three. Whatever gets decided upon, when that process is over, I told him I want a “Mommy Makeover” (yes, it’s a real thing). It’s a wham, bam, thank you ma’am surgery day. The doctor will do a tummy tuck, lipo, remove excess skin and do a breast lift/augmentation. Yes, please. I don’t want to do it before hand because if my stomach is going to stretch out from being pregnant I wouldn’t want to undo the plastic surgery.

So there’s that.

Below are two photos I took this morning so people can see the progress. I apologize if you’ve seen these online already.

Have a wonderful day everyone, and as always, thank you for your support on my journey to Onederland!

8 weeks out

Side shot

-45lbs and counting

5lbs of fat…I’ve lost 9 of these!

This morning I hit a very important milestone for me: 45lbs down! I don’t know why I feel more strongly about losing 45 vs. 50, but either way I am thrilled with the progress.

My foray into soft proteins is not going nearly as well as I would have hoped. Not because of any medical issue, but because I still have not truly learned to slow down and chew food. I’ve been sick 5-6 times now which is still extremely frustrating. I said to my husband that I’m worried that being sick, still losing weight and that reinforcing negative behavior. Also, the overall crappy of being sick does not make me want to eat anything at all.

On the positive side, I still don’t feel hungry. I think that is the most mind-blowing part of all of this. I can literally go all day and then in the evening need to be reminded if I ate anything. So weird. Protein shakes and I are joined at the hip currently and I don’t see that relationship changing in the near future.

I posted online today about hitting the -45lb mark. Now, friendly reminder- I did not go public to certain people about surgery, specifically a set of friends of ours. I can’t really describe why, but there’s always just been a level of competition trying to be enforced by the wife of the couple and John and I were not into it. Which stinks because we both ADORE the husband. Anyway, my point is that I posted about weight loss and the husband emailed me with sincere congratulations and wanting to know how I did it. He’s a big buy and is looking to make some changes. My heart just felt heavy because I wanted to share information about what a great tool I have been given but I don’t trust the comments and judgment from the wife. I felt like a bad friend and that made me really sad. Another friend gave me a bag of (really awesome) old clothes. She told me to “hold on to them because I’m ‘not there yet’ but I will be”. That was a jab. I made sure to find what she said her favorite shirt was the other day and wear it in front of her. When she saw it she commented that she was happy that I could use the items and that while she was sorry to give them up “they literally fall off of her now”… Ok- I’m going to put my bitch hat on for about .25 seconds and call a spade a spade. She is jealous because I have lost weight and she has gained it. She can talk about “items falling off” all she wants but I know what I see and items were given up because they didn’t fit anymore. And I mean in the bad way. I’d prefer that if people can’t say something nice they should just shut up about it.

Ok. I’m done on that part.

Otherwise the outpouring of support has been great.

John and I were able to go to Acadia/Bar Harbor on Memorial Day weekend. Again, some foods didn’t stay down, but the trip as a whole was great. We walked around the National Park, saw some beautiful views and relaxed. Last weekend we took our Youth Group Kids on a canoe trip. I felt really good about myself being able to sit comfortably and confidently in the canoe and paddle for a few hours without feeling like I might die. Granted, by the end of the day I was completely exhausted but it was a day well spent.

This weekend I am supposed to start adding in vegetables into my diet. I think I may hold off a bit and work more on the protein. I feel like I should be pushing myself more to increase the intake of solid foods but I’m seriously tired of vomiting. Fish and shrimp seem to be the two best things right now, but at the most I can eat 5 shrimp or a piece of fish literally half the size of a post-it note. I did some reading and it’s all normal so I am just riding the wave.
John and I are traveling to Virginia to see my family and celebrate my nephew’s 10th birthday. The last time I was down there was 7 weeks ago and I was still doing the liquid diet nightmare. I’m excited to see my family’s reaction to how I look- I think they will be very impressed!

I’m trying to figure out what my next goal is. I really want to take up swimming. I hate sweating and feeling like the fat girl on the treadmill. At least with water you are relatively hidden and it’s a great calorie burn without a high impact. I’m hoping we will join the local YMCA. My birthday is in two months. I know by that point I will have blown away 50 lbs but I doubt I will be able to achieve a 75lb weight loss. I think the best goal is to have reached Onederland, after all I am only 13 lbs away…