Iterations on what once was….

Well, it’s been quite a while since I’ve updated this… and there are a lot of updates.

John and I got a divorce. In the words of Forest Gump: “That’s all I have to say about that”.

From a health and weight perspective, I’m doing so much better mentally, physically and emotionally than from my previous post. At one point my weight dropped down to 137 lbs. My size 4 jeans were baggy, hair falling out again, lethargic, pale, etc. I’ve come to realize that when everything in my life [relationship] was so out of control, I found my weight o be the one thing I could exercise complete power over. I would go days without eating and manically weigh myself every morning, if not multiple times in a day just to see the numbers drop. It got to a point that there was not only a work intervention with HR, but a major outpouring and borderline intervention from my friends. People were really noticing that something wasn’t right. I would get to work and there would be granola bars on my desk from one friend. HR would send down chocolate Ensure drinks and have someone report back that I was in fact drinking it. A slice of pizza would be on my desk when someone came back from lunch, and at the very end, I was getting deliveries of sandwiches and pie at home because everyone knew I would just go home and go to bed instead of eat. I have some truly wonderful friends and coworkers.

 In the last two months or so, I’ve gained 9 (healthy) lbs. My clothes fit better, the hair loss has slowed and I have color and energy. I started going to the gym because I do want to continue to lose weight, but more so to tone. I also bought a bathing suit for the first time in 19 years. I love it! Granted, I hate how my thighs look…but when you lose -120lbs, things don’t quite stay in the same place as they once were.

I feel like Hannibal Lector sometimes, wearing a skin suit. The loose skin just hangs on me. I lay in bed and I’ll look down and the excess skin especially around my hips makes me look like I’ve somehow just kind of…melted. Everyone asks if and when I will start dating again, but I have to say that there is a lot of fear behind that idea. How can you meet someone and feel pretty or sexy when you have what must be 10-12 lbs of skin that just hangs off of you? Stretch marks that have no fat behind them anymore to keep them smooth, so they just kind of wrinkle over themselves? And has anyone seen my bellybutton? Because it’s currently a bit lost in the midriff section of hanging skin. And let’s not even discuss what has happened to my chest… It’s funny, my mom warned me that as soon as people find out I’m single, they will come out of the woodwork and hit on me. I reassured her that there was no way that would happen as I don’t know a lot of people and the ones I do know are better than that. Boy oh boy, was I wrong. I’ve received more stupid emails and messages from people hitting on me in the last few weeks than I care to admit- one person being so bold as to request naked photos. It is truly off-putting. People from literally across the country have reached out. Again, I go back to being thankful for my small group of guy friends that have done nothing but be my biggest supports and cheerleaders. They all tell me to keep my head up and don’t be offended by guys that are pigs- that I don’t need that or deserve to be treated like that. They remind me that there are truly gentlemen in this world that can respect a girl’s company without wanting to get in her pants. Dating is going to be so, so weird….

I’ve started eating regularly and I think the biggest difference I have noticed is that I don’t immediately feel like I’m going to die or am going to be sick. Again, I think it was a control thing for me. Granted, I still fill up quickly (half a sandwich is really all I can comfortably do right now) but it’s been really nice to rediscover food and also branch out. Some of my new favorite foods are roast beef with boursin cheese, beets and avocado mixed together with a vinaigrette, tacos made with beef cooked in paprika and cumin, topped with a cabbage/cilantro slaw marinated with vinegar and oil, and homemade pizza.

At the beginning of the year I had wanted to try to “cook my way around the world”. With things begin so hectic, it didn’t happen. But I finally got it underway this past weekend. I started with China and made chicken lo mein and scallion pancakes. They were both absolutely atrocious. So, so salty. I ended up throwing all of it away. I will only check countries off the list if I cook a successful meal, so China is still to be tackled. India was more than successfully checked off the list with Chicken Tikka Masala. It was probably one of the best meals I have ever had and I have leftovers for days which makes me even more thrilled. The chicken was so tender and juicy, the flavor profiles robust and full developed; truly a great meal.

I’ve been on a real backing/cooking kick the last week or so. I think with my reintroduction to food and the joy it brings to see people enjoy something you make has kind of inspired me to keep it up. I drowned my staff in baked goods last week. I think by the time it was over I had made two dozen corn muffins, raspberry bars, a double batch of coffee cake, 3 dozen oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and 7 dozen peanut butter blossom cookies. I nibbled here and there, but sweets definitely don’t do it for me anymore.

At work this morning the troops rolled in and already asked when I’m baking something. I told them maybe Wednesday. I also made a great no bake sour cream pineapple pie this weekend. Thank god it’s all fat free/sugar free since I’m pretty much just eating it myself.

I’m excited for Wednesday as I’m mashing up a recipe I found with my own creativity. I’m marinating pork chops in Greek yogurt , breading them and baking them then topping that with an avocado/black bean/corn/tomato salsa and a chipotle lime sauce. Green beans on the side. I’m looking forward to it. It’s definitely a bit difficult to make good food for one. I end up with a lot of extras, so I guess that’s another thing I’m learning.

I have been trying to branch out of my comfort zone recently too. I forced myself to drive into Boston for the first time ever a few weeks ago. And I spent a day in Portland too. I’ve read probably nine books and now take regular walks at the local state parks. I’m also trying to plan some vacations and something epic for my 30^th birthday that’s coming around in August. One of my friends is graduating from Fire Academy in June, so there’s that to look forward to as well.

All in all, things are going well. I’m happy, I feel far more healthy and for the first time in a while, not…crazy. Work is definitely sucking the life out of me, but all of my large projects should be tied up by the end of Q2 so hopefully that will allow me to have some breathing room.

I have a feeling that this blog will naturally shift from going through the surgery process and weight loss to me finding and redefining who I am on my own and relearning to cook. I’ll post photos of my efforts to cook around the world and keep the few of you that read this updated on how I’m navigating my new life.