Warped…Brutal

Weighed in this morning at 151 which means down -107.3! yess!!!!!!!

There has been a lot going on in the last few weeks, some good and well, some less than great.

Let’s go over the good stuff first:

As of this morning, I stepped on the scale and weighed in at 151.0 lbs. That’s a total weight loss of -107.3 lbs in 9 months.

I was invited to speak at Lahey again two weeks ago. This time I was the speaker at John’s final Behavioral Skills class. There were about 15 people there and it was hosted by the same teacher that I had. I was given pretty much the entire class to speak and answer questions. It was very enjoyable to sit there and engage in what felt like meaningful conversation with people on a topic I could relate to. I brought in a few “before” photos and when I passed them around I had to chuckle as I heard small gasps and rumblings of “that doesn’t even look like her”. It was a proud moment for me.

John has been booked for his surgery! He goes on the table February 18th. The countdown is on to the liquid diet which I agreed to join him in doing. He says he is really excited (and a bit nervous). I can totally relate to that feeling…!

Last Saturday we had our company’s post-holiday Holiday Party. Now, if you remember my previous posts and motivations, last year was my breaking point. I was ashamed when I stood up to meet our COO’s girlfriend and took the tablecloth with me because I was so fat. This year it was all different…. I ordered the most beautiful dress from Rent The Runway!! I have never felt more stunning in my entire life [sadly] even including my wedding day. I was the best dressed person there as I rocked a literal $1000 dress of deep navy lace and nude tulle. I did my own makeup and hair and everything just came together. The party was hosted at the Peabody Essex Museum- we rented out the whole thing and dined on amazing food, delicious drinks, soups, salads, desserts and enjoyed each others company to a great string quartet. John was dressed to the nine’s and looked so dapper. Perfect princess night!

My perfect dress for my ultimate comeback at the Holiday Party!

So…the less than fun stuff. I have seriously come to learn in the last few weeks that it wasn’t just about losing weight. All the feelings I ever felt, the anger, disappointment, frustrations, etc that I thought was just related to being overweight….aren’t. Talk about a wake up call. I think I thought that if I could just lose the weight, all of my “problems” would be taken care of. But in reality, what happened is that the easiest scapegoat I had is, for the most part, gone but all of the issues still remain. I still “feel” fat. I still “feel” ugly even though I can rationally comprehend that I look *stunning* or thin. My body image hasn’t really changed and that was one of the things that I spoke about at Lahey the other week. That I have spent almost 30 years being the “fat girl” so it’s hard to envision myself as anything else. I haven’t been a consistent low weight since surgery, so I don’t have a baseline standard weight established for myself yet.

I’ve had quite a few breakdowns lately- lots of tears…so much crying…so many feelings. I have somewhat decided to seek out a therapist to confirm what I already believe to be the issue (get ready for full on honesty)- I think I have borderline personality disorder. It sounds way more intense than it is. It’s basically a lack of coping skills that manifests itself in mood swings, over-attachment to people (followed by desperate irrational fears of being left alone), being a complete control freak, a general lack of empathy for others (very true), a total inability to see a grey area if people decline to spend time with me (meaning that if someone says “no” to spending time with me that means that I must have done something wrong, I’m not “cool” and I must be fat, ugly, worthless, etc). This has had a major impact on John and I which has added to the stress because I’m feeling so desperate to be social and spend time with friends that I am neglecting my own marriage and making him feel like a worthwhile part of my life (Sorry John- seriously).

I find I am frustrated by myself all the time lately. It’s like I know this one thing over here to be reality and solid, but I can’t believe it, don’t see it (even though it’s in front of me) and therefore have to keep pushing myself for more. I have lost 107 goddamn pounds in 9 (!!!) freaking months but I’m still not satisfied. I tell myself -20-30 more, but then I realize that doing so will put me at 131-121 lbs and that isn’t the most healthiest thing ever. I feel like I haven’t really learned what I standard weight is… I truly believe is that a large part of my issue is my excess skin. It hangs on me and drives me absolutely insane. I grab it all the time and pull it back from my ribs (which now stick out on the regular by the by) and imagine myself with this perfect hourglass figure that won’t exist without some type of skin removal surgery. My boobs are deflated (although still rocking a 36 C- yes!) but I just feel less sexier than I anticipated.

I wanted to be able to wear a bikini. And believe me, I hate the beach. I LOATHE the beach. But I wanted to wear a bikini. I bought one in the spring of 2010 and I was absolutely pumped when it came in the mail at work. I ran to the restroom and put it on. Did it fit? Yup? Was the bikini itself beautiful? Oh- double yes. Did it look good on me? Nope. And that was the first time in 15 years that I had put on a bathing suit. So put 5 more years (now) on that, and WAY MORE weight loss, and I don’t know what to do with myself.

I’m not quite sure what the point of this post is…. who knows. I guess it’s that there was a level of reality that I am being forced to see right now that I wasn’t ready for and I’m not quite sure how to navigate the path. As a super control freak, not feeling in control (or knowing that that level of control that I am trying so desperately to exercise to a point that it’s unhealthy) is [literally] driving me insane.

I’m at a point in losing weight that people are telling me to stop. That I shouldn’t lose more, I’m skinny and pushing myself more will make me look anorexic. But what happens when I’m done “doing this thing”? What do I focus on then? What is my next biggest accomplishment? I find myself feeling empty as this weight loss journey is starting to come to a close. I guess I could focus on toning…but what then?

I have also become deeply motivated to continue to tattoo myself. It was something I was always in to. Previously I had the middle of my back, shoulder and both feet. Recently I got the most beautiful tattoo ever with a quote and some cherry blossoms. The quote is something I love and felt immediately connected to when I read it over a year ago:
“She was desperate and she was choosy at the same time, and, in a way, beautiful. But she didn’t have quite enough going for her to become what she imagined herself to be”. Nailed it. I am going for my next tattoo February 6th. I am choosing to cover my mid-lower back (no not a tramp stamp, but thanks) and from one hip to the other. It is going to be paisley/mandala inspired and will cover all of my stretch marks on my hips that I’ve been carrying for the last 20 years. I have come to understand lately that I am trying to take something I now see as ugly (my body…go figure…you lose 107 lbs and still hate yourself) and try to make it into something beautiful (tattoos). I also want to re -pierce my nose. Sounds odd I know, but I had it for a few years and loved it but had to take it out because I dated a guy that hated facial piercings so I took it out. I feel like I’m at a point that I am trying to discover (or maybe re-discover?) who I am as a person. What do I want to look like? What is my clothing style?  What are my hobbies? What makes me feel motivated as an independent person?

I think that may be the hardest part of everything right now. I’m in full on discovery mode and both John and I are trying to mitigate those changes that are happening. I’m not the same person I was 4 years ago when we met, and I don’t want to be. But I do want the life I have and the love I have with him too. It’s taking a lot of patience with each other to work through it. And that, in earnest, is the truly unfun part of this. Weight loss has short and long term impacts on not just you, but those you love.

I have found the relationship I have with my sister to be permanently altered. She was always the thin one. She’s into running and doing her first half-math in March. She has worked an entire year with a personal trainer to lose -25 lbs, but she’s still “thick” (a new concept to her- ha) and I am way thinner. She refuses to acknowledge my weight and hard work and makes comments to my mom that I tool the easy way out. Jealousy is never a becoming quality and I think I expected that for someone that was naturally shallow about looks, she would be more excited for me now that I could join the “pretty crowd”.

I guess that’s it for now. I post this feeling hopeful, terrified, confused, confident and a thousand other feelings. I feel accomplished in all my hard work and like a bit of a loser for not being able to appreciate it more. They say “happiness is in the journey, not the destination”… I’m not sure that is true, but I’m willing to keep on  walking.